I’ve Become a Jerk ( personal )

This is sort of a personal, “I’m sorry” letter thing to Shikareum and Zekyreum. They probably really need to see this…

This may also offend someone out there who has to be treated like a little flower. If you can’t stand this kind of stuff, don’t read this. >_>

Ironic in a way how I used to complain about how my friend Yukitoreum was always a jerk to me, Zekyreum and Shikareum, when now I’ve become that same jerk recently.

I’ve noticed that I’ve become more hostile to Shika and Zeky, and because of this we could usually start fighting over some of the dumbest stuff. Just like Yukitoreum had done months before we all decided that he wasn’t really a friend.

Usually after one of these little hissy fits I’ve caused, I usually just shut up and cut everyone off. I feel like if these get worse, I’ll just cut everything off. What better way to make yourself, I don’t know, feel more worthless than being completely alone? Not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, if that’s what any of you idiots out there think. You all just simple can’t get enough of people who are vulnerable because you all can’t stand this icky “feel sorry for me” crap. Actually, I don’t know who I’m even trying to address by saying any of that.

What I had been trying to say was, don’t think this is being made to make anyone feel sorry for me. I don’t deserve anything with the way I’ve been treating my own sister and someone I could deem as an actual friend.

Shika, if you’re reading this, you’re not the selfish control freak. That would be me. And as for Zeky, she was never a jerk to begin with, I was always that brat who cried like a big baby if I didn’t get my way when we were younger. All of those bad things I ever called you two, those were all stuff that I should’ve directed to myself since I felt the nerve to call you two those. I was in fact every one of those things when I said them.

Sometimes I should really be the older one and act my age, which is dangerously close to being a legal adult in my country, yet I still act like a bratty 2 year old. I’m sorry Shika and Zeky for the way I’ve been acting recently. I’ve been trying to drag you both down to the same level as me by starting all of those stupid fights. Maybe I should’ve cut off all contact for a week and see how it would’ve turned out, because right now I’m regretting every single thing I do, even if it seems small and unimportant.

If I end up actually doing something really stupid, don’t even think to blame it on yourselves. You two had nothing to do with anything that goes on in my head. If I were to actually do something really stupid, something that I would most likely regret, this will only show how stupid and selfish I really am. Maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll be a coward like I’ve always been and just hide myself away and rot by myself and pretend I am and was always okay.

Maybe all of this is because I’m always tired and stressed out, having constant dreams where people I know died. Which ever reason it is, I could really care less.

 

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