So far my school year is going down the drain. People in my position should be looking forward to the day they graduate and don’t have to go to high school. They could either go straight into the work force or go to college.
I’ve decided on nothing so far.
With the pressuring weight of the world already closing in on me, I can’t think at all anymore. Any bit of the positivity ( if that’s even a word ) I did have, surprised if I even had a little bit, is completely gone now. Whenever I show up to school I slap one of those stupid “I’m happy and fine, don’t ask me anything. C:” masks in front of people. Sometimes it disgusts me with how many times I wear this kind of mask in front of people. Even online I wear this stupid mask in hope no one would mistake me for one of those horrible internet stereotypes, which I bet from this blog a few people can already label me as something negative.
As of recently though, it’s been different. I’ve stopped wearing the false happiness mask though in front of people I actually mildly care about I wear it, and from some comments teachers have made, I must look like the world is crushing and killing me. A couple of them asked, especially today if I was okay. Of course being a defensive person, I said everything was fine and didn’t even mention how much I hate myself and the things I have, how selfish I am, how much crap my life is because of my mentally and how I don’t know or want to change myself ( for that matter ) because of how terrified I am of the unknown and don’t know what I would be like without the state I am in now.
I’ve grown so accustomed to the self hate, doubt in my actions and general depression for a while. You couldn’t just tell me to change and think positive because trust me, it doesn’t work for a day. The reason why I can’t get out of what I call a hole ( since in my opinion that’s my state of depression ) is because I’ve been living with it for almost over a decade now.
I think I’ve mentioned this before, but no one should tell me that ” a lot of people have it worse than you” I know that. But like most human beings, my world revolves around me. Selfish when you think about it, but a lot of people think this way. This whole week I’ve only made three drawings that were worth sharing with the world. Only three. Not only that, I’ve made nothing for the school newspaper due to me using the time to draw whatever because recently I’ve only gotten 30 minutes of drawing in, IF I WAS LUCKY. Maybe an hour on the days when I had a substitute teacher for a class.
What also doesn’t help on top of this is my extreme fear of people. I will go almost 24 hours a day without any communication with another human being, face to face. I live in almost a constant state of fear, paranoia, anger, frustration, lost, etc.
On a better note, here’s the three drawings I’ve managed to make. Sometimes I feel like I should just give up on everything.